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Music:~Thermacare~Chiodos
I wish i wasn't so weak.
My emotions are always balancing on the sharp edge of a sword.
One slip and i'm cut....and cut deep.
Is this you pulling away from me already?
So don't tell me you love me.....it doesn't matter to you....but it matters to me.
When i read back and see entries where i want to kick myself for not believing he loves me.....i want to kick myself even harder for saying those stupid lovestruck, teenage dreams SHIT!
I really have no idea how i feel sometimes.
I've often wondered if i was bipolar or manic depressive. I go from so happy and in love to down-in-the-dumps, so quickly that i scare myself.
What's wrong with me?
I always wonder this?
What really is wrong with me?
i feel sometimes like i have nothing, i am nothing, i've accomplished nothing.
But i can't tell myself i'm a failure and get over-depressed because i might swing back into suicidal mode. So no-no! we mustn't do that! My life literally depends on my ability to tune out shit and pretend like nothing ever happens. Or i might just go mad or possibly slit my wrists!
Last night, after a long time, i thought about cutting myself. It just hurt so much inside and i felt muted and stifled, unable to scream and had no-one to talk to........so i really wanted a surgical blade.
I looked at the faint scars in the crook of my arm and recalled the itching, burning pain of those cuts and how relieved and simultaneously terrible i felt at the moment after the cut.
I never cut deep enough for anyone to notice, and the cuts were always thin (the purpose of the surgical blade), but oh how i felt them.
I would be crying and blinded with tears as i opened my dissection kit and got out a clean surgical blade, passed it through the flame of a lighter, then suddenly i would hit with calm and clarity as i pressed the blade into my arm.
I have had to fight against the temptation to cut myself many times. This year i thought the voices had quieted down. But sometimes when i'm in overwhelming anguish, i hear that little voice saying...."Cut.Cut.Cut....you'll feel better sweetheart....just one...little...cut. I promise"
If i go back to that, i know i'll be lost. My entire life will collapse around me. and the peace i've built up so tentatively be blown to smithereens.
So i'll drown out these feelings of despair and rejection with screamo and low-budget horror movie effects.