i am going crazy
Sometimes I feel like I dislike my family so much.
Since my uncle died in early April last year, I�ve bee trying to get over my selfish motto of just living for myself and to make myself happy. You see I�m never perfect enough to fit my family�s rigid sky scraper standards. I know everyone whines about this��.but I feel like the more I try to please them and the happier they are about me being the obedient daughter�the more unhappy, angry and stressed out I become.
Right now I can feel veins throbbing and swelling throughout my head. Consequently, I have a whopping headache!!
So now I�m going to unleash a full whine fest, right on this very page.
I had a horrible dream this morning, about 2 little cousins of mine drowning in a deep pool. And I awoke to the news that my uncle living in Florida is undergoing triple by-pass surgery (plus he has Parkinson�s���������I think that Parkinson�s runs in our family)
Then I got a text from a friend of mine who runs the nightclub Prive, saying that he put my name on a list for tonight�s Carnival TOUCHE party.
(insert whiny teenage voice here)��and I reallllllllllllllllly want to go.
I know my family needs me, but they ALWAYS need me and I feel like I need some breathing space for myself. They are driving me crazy. Look my heads killing me again just thinking about them! I love them but I always have to be stuck in the middle of some family shit!
My best friend is going to go back to NY in a couple days and we haven�t gone out anywhere really fun yet. I want to have some great memories to hold onto. And when she leaves I�ll not be seeing her for another year, at least!!!
The fact that I have to ask permission of my parents STILL!! Gets me really mad. I am 22 years old, going to be 23 this year and I have to ask permission. This is why I feel like my frontal lobe is going to burst!
I noticed my mother is getting very clingy and possessive towards me. Yes I know my uncle died and you only want to bring the family close together BUT I CAN�T STAND THE NEEDINESS!!
I know how I must sound, like a really ungrateful, uncaring, selfish daughter who only cares about what she wants.
But that�s not true at all. I have been trying to and actually spending time with my family, but I notice that even if I spend a couple of days by close family members, my mother is always like � don�t you have a home and don�t you know I have things to do!�.
What fucking things?!!!...tell me what you want and I�ll work around them and we can both be satisfied. But she doesn�t want to do that. She wants to know that she has control over everybody and everything. I don�t want to hurt her with all the callous statements that I make. But when I discuss something with her I don�t see much point in sugar-coating the facts or how I feel. She needs to know the truth.
But, to paraphrase the immortal words of Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men:
SHE CAN�T HANDLE THE TRUTH
She can�t handle the fact that I�m a grown woman who needs time apart from her family. She can�t accept that I need the company of other people more than her. If I go to someone else with a problem I have, she wants to feel hurt that I didn�t come to her. That�s because she doesn�t UNDERSTAND!!
I can�t talk to her about guys cause the only thing she ever says is��.�don�t get too deeply involved with anybody ya here�.
So what the fuck am I to do���.stay in seclusion and wait for her to pick a husband for me!!.
That�s what she would really love�.i just don�t know how to please everybody else AND please myself AT THE SAME TIME!!