BACK TO THE PAST.........resigned from job, sschool starts full time, carpal tunnel syndrome and ..............goodbye Marc for good
sooo........i'm feeling quite a bit shitty right now for a myriad of factors.
i'm resigning from my job tmwr. i have to finish my degree and the university doesn't offer Bsc.Biology part time or else i would've worked and gone to school.
but to tell you the truth, i don't know how much longer i could've stood working there.
my boss is a really idiotic, petty, childish, uncompromising, unprofessional woman and her admin is an annoying, fake, pretentious little asswipe who loves kissing my boss's ass everytime she turns around!!!!!!
*deep breaths deep breaths*
the filing system is in a mess, and kathy (boss) and nicole (her admin) don't even lift a finger to help reorganize or anything!!...lazy fucks!!
kathy doesn't know her ass(Verry huge ass) from her elbow!! she can't do anything without asking nicole. i'll give nicole credit for knowing her shit....but she is so goddamn lazy.....i can't fucking take them one more day!!
my ears might start bleeding if i have to hear kathy tell me more time about:
1)her pasty-ass boyfriend adrian
2) what she and adrian do when they run away to an island for the weekend
3) her fucking bird
4) her miscarriage (for a while i had sympathy for her when sh told us this and i honestly did resolve to be a little more tolerant of her shitty behaviour...but then she bitched me and i said fuck that!!)
5)her bikinis ) i mean good god!! i don't mean to blast overweight ppl being a person who's struggling with her weight....but goddamn!! who the fuck wants to know if u bought a bikini for your whale of an ass!!
6) what your mother cooked or didn't!!
7) or if i have to hear another fucking rude ass joke....perverted shit i mean.
thank god i'm leaving or else one more day and i might've cussed both she and nicole out!!!
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another thing.....for the past week...both my hands have been giving me trouble.....they ache and hurt.....repetitive motion i think is causing this and before u ask :what have YOU been doing?" to me!! masturbating too much? (har-de-har)
let me tell you....I WISH!!
i think it's being on the computer to much, using the paper-puncher constantly in work....everything!!....
my wrists are actually really killing me as i type this!! but i just HAD to write this entry.
the pain is shooting up my thumbs and creeping across my palms, it even was shooting down my arm this evening....it's gotten realy bad....and all i've done so far is to wrap a lousy wrist support on my right wrist!! the one that hurts the most...but now my 2 wrists are screaming in pain!!!
i think it's carpal tunnel syndrome and if it is then i really need to rest my hands....so no updates will be coming in for a while.
so i'll try to give a lowdown of the happenings for the coming weeks.
i have to drive up the highway to the university and paydown first month's rent, caution fe and last month's rent. that's $4500.00!! sigh
i wish i didn't have to move back but i can't be at home any longer....time to finish what i started almost 5 years ago....wow!! time really flies!!
talking about time flying.......it's actually been just as long since marc and i have been seeing each other......ok...maybe "seeing each other" isn't the proper term forwhat we do.......fucking each other....there that's more like it.
for the longest while i've been trying to stop this sex connection but it's been hard.
how do you say no to someone who is so sexually compatible with you......who allows you total sexual freedom to explore.......who makes you horny if you just hear his voice, get a textmsg from him or ( and this is bordering on insane!!) even see his name!!!
yesterday her msged me:
MARC: damn!! i wish i could be in your belly at the spot right now
this morning i msged back:
ME: u know how hard you make it for me to stay away when u tell me things like that
MARC: Lol hmm why stay away? the only thing needs to stay is my cock stayin in your ass
AND THIS IS WHERE THE HARD PART BEGAN
i'm so fedup of being a slave to my sexuality. i'm so tired of having my emotions satisfied with one person and my body satisfied by another. even though it was difficult and i thought long and hard about this before i sent this, i knew it was the right hting to do:
ME: Hmm how do i put this. we've had fun for a long time, but i think its time we really stopped. no one more last time or one for the orad. i don't want to do this anymore.
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i tell you i sat and stared off into space, thinking about a lot of things before i pressed send.
i thought abt the first time i met Marc, what he said before he kissed me the first time, the first time we almost had sex on the beach, the first time we actually had, the times we would sneak away and have sex, the last time we had sex (which was awesome anal sex), all the thoughts and fantasies i've been having lately of having his baby.........all kinds of fucked up shit!!!
but then i mentally shook myself and saw the only recurring theme in this "relatiionship" was sex!!!!! sex sex sex sex sex!!!!!!!
all the time, endlessly.....i saw my life ahead of me and no one in the future becuase i kept sabotaging myself by giving in constatly to my sexual desires.....honestly speaking....if i don't make a clean break ( ha ha break!) now.....i'll never stop.....because i can't stop wanting him........and he isn't exactly the poster boy for self control either!....i eman even her says that he wants to be a good boy and stop but he can't!!! we can't!!!
so i'm doing it for both of us, stopping this "thing" that we have dead in it's sexual tracks. unless,of course, he decides to just find another sex partner and then he'd be stuck in the same perpetual rut of no strings attached sex...........which sounds good when you're naive, young and carefree....but the older you get...u want more and suddenly, fantastic sex isn't as important as it once seemed.
i'm sad though and doubting myself.....yet knowing that this is the right thing to do.....he didn't text back when i sent my last msg........guess he was shocked that i was abrupt and decisive and cold.....i was shocked too!!!
i feel like i want to feel him inside of me one more time......feel him slide in and out of me giving me goosebumps up and down my skin......feel him cum in me........esp. that. i know it's crazy and dangerous but i love it wen he does that....but i have this feeling that if we do it "one last time", something terrible might happen....i know i said this before....but 3 strikes and you're out right?!!....this'll be the 4th time, i think i've run out of chances now.......god!!
changing yourself sucks!!!!!!!!