Tuesday, April. 14, 2009 -
Ryan & his self-induced seizure
Ryan had a seizure yesterday. And I was the last to know of course. He would�ve told me anything if I hadn�t called him. and I wouldn�t have called him if Rick hadn�t called me and woke me up at 2am this morning. I was waiting for Ryan to call me
(waiting in vain apparently) and I fell asleep. Next thing I know my phone was ringing and it was Rick calling me to ask if I was talking to Ryan. I was so groggy. I told him no. He was all like, I need to talk to him. So I, surprising myself, asked him if I could help him with anything. I know tell me about it��.how come me of all people asked Rick if I could help him. I dunno, I think that Ryan is rubbing off on me. I guess that�s a good thing. Jherrel told me I have to forgive Rick and then I can know true forgiveness myself. Forgiving Rick is a hard thing to do, especially after all the horrible things he did to me. But, thinking about people that did me wrong. My cousin Roger did really bad things to me���things that right now I don�t want to speak about (but which I told Ryan last night���and he asked me a really strange question about the matter. He asked me if Roger ever kissed me��..that was kinda weird. Hmmm, I dunno)
Anyway, I was saying that my cousin did unspeakable things to me and I managed to not hate him. I guess I�ve forgiven him. And the only explanation I could come up to explain why I forgave him, is that he�s family and I have to see hi all the time and more often than not, I have to talk to him. so I was better off forgiving him, but that doesn�t mean that I�ve forgotten the shitty things he put me through.
If I can forgive a molester, why is it so much harder to forgive a liar? Shouldn�t it be easier? I don�t know how to explain that. But I really have to work hard at forgiveness. Plus other little things like, lusting for the flesh, telling white lies and mostly controlling my anger.
I hope that God hears the prayer of my heart and helps me to overcome these obstacles.
Wow, I really digresses, I started this off saying that Ryan had a seizure. Well he called me and told me that the reason he had the seizure is that he smoked weed after he drank 8 Mackesons and White Oak. I was kinda disappointed I guess. I thought he had better control over his habits. But I failed to realize that he is a man and the world still has an effect over him. after that seizure I think he learnt a lesson.
I knew I should�ve invited him to go with me and my parents to see Aunty Hazra. Everything in my being was telling me to call him and invite him. But I didn�t. next time I will.
I miss him though. he is so great. He�s bringing me closer to God. Or maybe this is just the right time that God chose to enlighten me.