My heavy heart
my head is pounding and i feel pretty shitty right about now. I should know that nothing good lasts in my life.
i'm so fed up with my family and the bickering, the bitching the FINANCES! I'm so over it. i just had a big fight with my dad. he's not a bad dad, bought us food, sent us off to school, worked hard to feed us.
But no emotion, no love. maybe he does love us, i don't know.If you didn't care about somebody in some sort of way you'd never care if they starved or not. so i guess he does care, he didn't let me starve.
I'm trying to be grateful, i try to see the good.That so many people never got to know their father, that a lot of people don't have a roof over their heads, don't have money, food, internet, cable,phones, laptops- all kinda shit we take for granted.
But god damnit! all this gratefulness doesn't compensate for the fact that i have fucking daddy issues. What's wrong with me? I can't ever be happy.
I think i hate myself, i really do. All this talk of love, life, hanging out,normal life. i don't ever feel normal and i can't ever be. I feel empty most of the times. fucked up in the head and soul-and i'm not even so sure something like souls exist. It's so much easier believing in something bigger than yourself.
Maybe i should start praying again. praying to a creator being that just sits there and lets us build jigsaws in our head of what we think he wants our life to be.
My mother wants that from me. And maybe i should just hand over my existence to her. To them. I feel like my life is not my own.
I feel vexed with myself. That i am not enough. that i am never going to be enough. even for me.
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