Monday, Nov. 19, 2012 - 7:55 p.m.
MIXUP

so he suprised me last night. we went for desert, we got cookie dough ice cream-yum!

and afterwards i had a different type of desert-an orgasm that hit me like a train!
and he was just so bloody fantastic and hard and blew like Mount Vesuvius. so again-i'm confused!

what was the problem recently, if i know he can perform like a champ?!! i wonder if it's performance anxiety? did the lingerie scare him into thinking he had to be mindblowing? or maybe it was the text i sent him the night before the lingerie suprise:

TEXT ON FRIDAY NIGHT
"I'm going to bed babe, but i want you to know that you better get ready for tomorrow. You're going to fuck my brains out when you see my surprise. And when you're done I'M going to fuck your brains out...."

i thought the dirty text would excite him to no end. now that i think about it, he always performs better when he's so totally relaxed, like last night.


i realized last night that i really do care about him, and given time could maybe love him.
of course, he thinks i'm in love already with him and with saying "i love you too" kinda making him think that. I do care about him, but it's really hard for me to give someone my affection when i feel like anyone i want my mother takes away from me.

yes........ i have mommy issues. i just love her lot and she cause an internal war within me. i want to please her and make her happy especially since so few things in this life make her happy. she and my father have a relationship that disintegrated long ago and i feel like i've become the emotional substitute in her life for love. she relies on me to talk to, to make decisions with, to share her day with- she maybe keeps some of her fears locked up inside but a lot she confides to me.

i can't say no to her.......but i want this. i want him....i want my life.......i know i sound so fucking weird saying my mother takes away ppl from me.....it's more like she makes it really fucking difficult for me to have a proper relationship, she argues and complains all the time about time i'm spending with him.always lecturing.most of the times he doesn't come over because even though he likes my mom he can't take the lecturing.

And i can't take how i barely get to see him and talk to him and she always makes a problem.my last bf....well we all know how that went.fucked up! she hated him and he hated her.....and my entire family pressured me to break up with him, and my mother screamed herself bloody and cried and stopped talking to me and accused me of getting her ill because i was with him.does this sound fucked up or what?! i don't know who can relate to having such a twisted relationship with their parent?!

deep down inside, i know the problem stems from where i feel the need to be her source of happiness where she has none, and it's hard to convince myself that she needs to be happy within herself. also stop saying that parents are supposed to guide their children. do i look like i need fucking guiding?! this relationship has become parasitic on so many levels that i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like it's eating me alive most times. and lemme bitch about one last thing here.....i wish my father would fix his fucking inferiority complex about my mother wearing the pants in the relationship and take some fucking responsibility and leave me be to live parasite free!! it's their fucked up relationship that is sucking the life out of this family. and i'm making excuses i know..........i'm a mess
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