Insecurities breakdown
i'm sitting in a computer lab on campus and all kinda weird things are running through my mind right now.
A. Fuckin' hell....my lower back is killing me and i don't know why!!
B.I really have to structure my week or else i'll get nothing done
C. I instantly feel repulsed whenever i see a girl in hijab (it's not that i am a bigot, half of my family is muslim!) it has to do with Daniel's ex who wears hijab and did the dirty for 2 years with hi anyway.....which leads me to..........
D. Thoughts of him and her pop up in my head at random moments and i have to try my best not to hurl instantly. Truly, everytime i think of him and her having sex or kissing or anything!! i feel sick to my stomach!
Why am i thinking of that shit u ask? i don't fucking know. i really don't.
The best explanation i can come up with is that those thoughts are linked to feelings of insecurity. The more those thoughts cross my mind, the more insecure i feel (and more nauseous as well!!) and the more insecure i feel, the more those disgusting thoughts cross my mind! it's a fuckin' cycle i tell you!
Damn.....i feel sick and want to cry and scream and shake my clenched fists at the heavens and ask why God?!! why?!! why must these gut-churning, soul-ripping, eye-leaking thoughts run through my head. they're done, yeah.....but sometimes i feel at any moment he'll miss her and run straight back to her and her family.
i mention her family because Daniel never had a complete properly functioning family unit and her family sort of embraced him and made him feel welcome.
my family hates him and really couldn't give a shit about him and i have to assume some of the blame for that, because i am too chicken-shit to tell my family that i'm back together with him and that we've worked things out.
is this love i'm showing to him? no wonder i feel so fucking insecure!
i am creating my own feelings of insecurity by being so scared. i am creating a situation where things are tense and the longer i wait to tell my family that he and I are back together, the more insecure i feel about our relationship and the more i get these lurid pictures in my head of him and HER (BARF!!!!)
Right.....i need to sort this problem out ASAP!
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Wow! thank god i have some place to vent or else i wouldn't suddenly have epiphanies!
and to think that i was thinking about going to a psychologist with this! these feelings of insecurity are driving me mad!
i guess i just needed to sort out the tangled shit that was going on in my little head!
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i also researched what certain symbols that stood out in my dream meant.
DEATH
" i dreamed that Daniel died..."
To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore.
THE BEACH
" we were on the beach for some reason and the tide was coming in."
Symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. the sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady and emotional aspects of yourself. it is a place of transition between the material and the spiritual.
To dream that you are on the beach looking out toward the ocean indicates the unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. consider the state of the ocean, whether it is calm, pleasant, forbidding etc.
To dream that you are looking toward the beach, suggests that you are returning to what is familiar to you.
CRYING
"i was sitting a little way off from the group, close to the shoreline crying, feeling my heart breaking into a million little pieces."
To dream you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out you fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny or repress your feelings. but in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have represses during the day.
To dream that no-one hears or responds to your cries, represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. you feel that you words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.
ENEMY
"All of a sudden i see Saleen, the ex walking along the beach towards us"
To see your enemy in your dream, represents opposing ideas and contradictory attitudes. you are in denial about something. Enemies may also represent the enemy within yourself and the inner conflict you have with yourself.
ORANGE
i forgot to say that Saleen was wearing orange. I don't know if this denotes her personality or the colour was a reflection of me. it's maddening to think that my love is neither innocent or wise.
Bright colours mean awareness.
energizing colour.
denotes a stimulation of the senses.
PEACH
the colour of innocent love intermixed with wisdom. implies a caring nature and how you tend to the need of others.
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so there you have it! one long ass entry on the nitty-gritty of my insecurities. how sad am i?
oh well....Daniel's coming to see me tonight and then we're going to the airport to pick his dad up.
I dunno if i should be nervous. i've never met anyone's parent(s) before.
i'm not nervous abt. meeting his dad but you never know what my nerves could get upto in a matter of hours....
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