I just don't know anymore....
My life is falling apart. Not all of it is my fault, but why do i fel like it's my responsibility to do something to fix everything?
i can't fix everything yet that doesn't stop me from having a hero complex.
my parents are totally cashed out and the house is not quite finished. there's still tiling, painting, some electrical and plumbing to do and there is absolutely no money.
i hate the fact that everything runs on money. I hope that whoever invented the concept of actual tangible money is turning in their grave right now or is resting very uneasy wherever the hell they were dumped when they kicked the bucket.
My mom is very worried right now because the second loan they applied for was denied. i don't understand the technicalities of the denial but i know it's worrying her to death. And whatever hurts her, hurts me. i immediately try to think of ways to fix things. to save the day.
And me being in school right now while they pay for rent, food and everything else is very unfair.
i don't care what they say i'm definitely going to ask for my job back at the company i was working at for the summer. i know they'd be glad to have me. infact, i think i'm going to call the Quality Assurance manager and ask for my job back. the VP said i was welcome at anytime and i really think i need to take him up on that offer.
I went to the doctor today for the severe lower back pain i was getting and i got a pain shot and she referred me to get an ultrasound to see if i have cysts on my ovaries. it's more that i'm worried about that than she is. Also she prescribed something to make my period come. No, it hasn't come and no, i'm not pregnant.
i'm so worried about my tuition. i really have to talk to the Dean of my faculty and beg him for his help. i'll go there tomorrow after my exam. And oh yea....i still have exams!!
i'm so confused and tired and broken down.
i tell myself that God will not give me more than i can bear, but honestly, sometimes i feel like my load is back breaking. i'm feeling utterly dejected.
but i'm trying to see a way out of this.
i don't know what to do. i feel like i can't breathe sometimes.
sometimes i wonder if i was really meant for this world. but i know i was orelse i wouldn't have been born. but why do some ppl who try their best always get the short end of the stick?
and i'm not talking about myself here. i'm talking about my mother. i don't know how she does it, but she keeps it together.......for our sakes. she must be screaming and her mind reeling inside, but she keeps rarely loses her cool and manages to ensure us that everything will be alright.
in contrast, i don't feel nearly as strong as her. i'm so weak when matched up to her.
i don't really know what to do or think anymore. And i really can't be with Daniel. this is me being realllllllly shallow
I may love Daniel, but i need someone with who i know financial security is a guarantee.
i know that wealth can fade away and re-appear just as quickly. But i just don't know anymore.
i'm confused about life. i want to run away, but i have no where or no-one to run to. i don't know anymore....i just don't know....
i don't know
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