Sunday, Apr. 11, 2010 - 8:38 p.m.
MUddle on the brain named R

for some reason R is on my mind. he was on my mind alllllllll day!

he was msging me from work today actually. i didn't want to msg him first because i didn't want to make a big deal about the other night. Yeah it was nice. Ok more than nice, but things never work out quite the way i want them to. so i don't want to make a big deal about anything incase it turns out to be nothing!! i just don't want to feel disappointed.

But really i was thinking about him since i got home Saturday morning.
i keep getting flashbacks in my head of him holding me and nuzzling my neck and kissing my cheeks. Telling me how my hair and skin smelt so good and how my skin was so smooth and soft......sigh....compliments can get you everywhere.....

I don't want to set myself up for a fall, but i haven't dated in soooo long, that right now i really want to go ahead and try to see if this thing between R and I will work....this time.

But I'm getting waaaaaay ahead of myself.....all it could've been for him was a nice night out with a friend of his who happened to be attractive and who he couldn't keep his eyes and hands off and who he enjoyed talking to. Lol...ok it sounds like he's interested right?

But i know him and he's unreliable sometimes. He doesn't show up when he says he will. A lot of times he's with his friends and they're the kind that stops off at every bar they can find on the way over to someplace. I know he told me he toned down a lot from how he used to hang out before; like clubbing and binge drinking and i can relate to that. Having went through somethig similar recently.

But i'm afraid. Fear has stopped me from pursuing ANYTHING with EVERYBODY who's been interested in me lately.
I mean look at Liam. He whispers sweet nothings in your ear during sex but at the end of the say he's just a humongous douche.

And Brennan. Brenna acts nonchalant but sweet. But the fact remains is that he makes no secret that he is strongly sexually attracted to me. This does NOT make me feel good.


I mean...I like to know that whoever i'm dating or i like is attracted to me but sometimes i feel like that's all they ever see.
I want them to love to hang out with me and talk to me and laugh with me and feel comfortable to discuss serious things with me. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
It gets old and terribly frustrating when i constantly get viewed as a sexual object.

For once just pretend that my big, perky boobs, firm legs, smooth skin, pouty lips, cute nose and exotic eyes are NON-EXISTANT!!!

I've gotten all those compliments above and yea it makes me feel good........sometimes. But the other times i just feel sad when someone tells me that kinda stuff.

God!! Allowing a man in my life again is sooo frustrating!!


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PS: Brennan just msged me asking me what we were doing tomorrow 'cause it's his birthday. I told him sorry i have like three exams this week so i can't go out with him.

I know he's a bit crestfallen because he didn't msg me back....sigh.

This is messed up.



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