SLAVE that I am
Listening to:~I will follow you into the dark~ Death cab for cutie
Argggggggghhhh!!
i feel like i am suffocating right now!! My head feels sooooo heavy!!
I'm trying NOT to have any connection whatsoever with anything remotely sexual. i deleted everyone's number who would even be vaguely interested in having sex or fooling around, or in whose presence will lead to even talking dirty.Makes no sense to have them around.
You know of my efforts to be celibate. Yes, that is tough.But try not even masturbating. so i'm not watching porn or doing anything to sexually gratify myself. Me thinks i might spontaneously combust or implode if anyone even brushes against me!!
The reason for this denial of pleasure is; that i feel guilty if i do anything remotely sexual. i'm trying to be a good christian and as far as i see, Jesus didn't run around jerking himself off and canoodling with people just because he needed to act out on his sexual urges!!!
I know some people might think the fact that i'm trying to fulfill religious obligations by denying myself basic human comforts, even down to not even masturbating, is ridiculous!! Ludicrous even!!
But when you've been where i've been. On the other side, where people THINK that the grass is greener. You'll understand what i'm talking about.
The grass might seem to be green and beautiful and delicious to most, but for me it's poison in the guise of something delectable.
Look at our religious parables....
Look how Eve got tempted.....by an apple.
Look at our fairytales....
how did Snow White ended up comatose?....by an apple
Believe me....I've been down the sweet road of sinful satisfaction and all it gave me was a feeling of emptiness, longing for love, anguish and ultimately guilt.
Damn this weak human body!! Flesh is so weak!!
i guess that's what the test is about.
i used to say to myself.
Ok Lord, i'm not having sex....i'm sure You can allow me a little pleasure. i'm not hurting anyone. i'm not letting anyone feel me up, suck me off or do it to me. i'm just pleasuring myself.And Lord i REALLY DO NEED to have an orgasm!!!
but a strange thing happened....everytime i gratified myself, this black cloud of shame and guilt would descend over me and i would vow NOT to do that again.
the only solution to that problem i can think of is....NOT TO DO ANYTHING REMOTELY SEXUAL.
but God i ALWAYS slip and fall in this particular arena.
i am verrry sexual in nature. My body wants what it wants. I'm just going to have to deny myself what it wants the most.
I'm FEDUP of being a SLAVE to my desire!!
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How pathetic would it be right now if i said that i think i want to get married?
If only to have sex?
sigh....sigh....SIGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
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