HAPPINESS...............an eon away (Christmas??!! Bah Humbug!!)
listening to : Fucking annoying country music blasting from my neigbour
right now i'm contemplating either calling the police or going over to my neighbour's house with a shotgun and blasting his fuckin speakers to smithereens!!!
the latter sounds better.....but the former might keep me out of jail....Lord knows that i don't need anymore stress than i already have right now.
maybe this isn't right to say......but since this is the once place where i don't have to censor what i say or even give a shit about repercussions................i have built a hatred for my father...he treats my mother, brother and me like shit.
like we don't even exist.
he and my mom don't even sleep in the same bedroom...i know that's not so uncommon but what's stupid is that he still sleeps comfortably in their bed while she moved out of the room and onto a couch in her study....i made her come sleep with me......it's been months now....it's not like i get tired of her staying with me......but i told her a couple times that it's her bedroom and that she tell him to get the fuck out and make him sleep on the couch and reinhabit her bedroom....but she refuses to do this......i sometimes get so exasperated with her...u can't believe!! but some recent developments are making me look at the situation in an entirely new light.
it's crossed my mind before that her might be cheating on her...but i never seriously considered it.i always dismissed it.....first off, where would he get the time to cheat?!! he works ALL the time(i know that's the perfect opportunity to cheat BUT we used to always see him around..now we don't!!)......but....for the last year........he's been working more than usual...that in itself isn't too unusual........except for one little fact........we don't see a penny of that money.
i know i've been a spoiled brat in the past but i've changed a lot in this year....i got a job and i never ask anyone for one cent..i try to help out with bills and groceries.......BUT WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!! ....we're still you're family right?......what are u doing with all that money......
he really doesn't give a fuck......AND forget me.....he doesn't talk to my brother or my mother....my brother is 15 and at this age he needs a role model, a man to talk to and to explain the dynamics of manhood to him...but he doesn't have that.
if my uncle was still alive...maybe it would be different....my uncle would make him understand the facts of life and guide him.....but my dear old dad doesn't even say a word to my brother...he barely gives him $$...only $$ to go to school.....buys him nothing....takes him nowhere...to talk...or to exercise or to play sports...NOTHING!!!what kind of father is that??!!
i know i keep talking about $$....but believe me it's not about the money.
if u can't give us love at least suport us properly financially.
fuck him....i don't need him or his $$ anyway......but my bro needs a father and he's a poor excuse for one...i can't believe i even spent $$ on a present for him...i guess i felt a sense of obligation. i really dislike him......he never said merry christmas he never bought a gift.....he helped with groceries and that's it!!
all the eternal optimists will prob be saying by now.......but at least your father's there, at least u have one.......u want to hear a secret.....i wish he wasn't here...i'd never wish him dead....but it sure would make a life a little easier not having him around....not easier financially....but i could live a hand-to-mouth existence if that means that we wouldn't have to go through this shit......
now let me get to the really juicy part....my mother is an emotional wreck....and i fuckin hate him for what he's doing to her. he pretends that he's the sweetest person ever to ppl outside but he doesn't even talk to her when he's home.
my cuz was telling me last night that she thinks that he has another woman....and now...i'm inclined to believe her.....he can't be this evil spontaneously.it's too scary to contemplate that he has no reason for being a complete and utter asshole!!
also my mom mentioned to me that i don't know the nasty things he told her....that's the reason why she would never go back their bedroom to sleep....my mom's sister; my aunt last night spoke to me on the phone and we were discusing that very same thing....we concluded that he had to tell her something extremely hurtful and nasty for her to not want to go back in her own room!!...my aunt thinks it's something about sex or about her body or something...... i dunno if that's true but it's quite possible...more than possible...........when a man want to really wound a woman because he feels inadequate himself...he usually hits her where it hurts the most.....he physical appearance.....her sex appeal....and it would hurt the most if that woman is your wife and she's been nothing but good to you......i really fuckin hate him!!!
i found a cologne in his dashboard pocket in his car.....it was a cheap knockoff off calvin klein obssession.....i knew the minute i saw it that he would never tell me the truth.......i asked him anywhere (what?! i'm sadistic what can i say?)
Me: what's this?
Dad: a cologne
Me: where did u get it from?
Dad: i bought it (lie #1)
Me: From where?
Dad: just from a woman who was selling
perfume...i gave her a sale
(lie #2)
Me: how much did u pay for it
Dad: about $30. or #40.
Me: Oh
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Lie #1: he doesn't buy ANYTHING for himself!! he's too fuckin cheap! when the bastard is on the road the most he would buy for lunch is an energy drink and a twinkie!! he penny pinches in the grocery....trying to save a dime!!
Lie #2: he would NEVER buy a cologne for himself or waste $40.00!!! NEVER!! some old slore (slut + whore = slore)
bought it for him...i'll throw the fuckin thing in the garbage wen he's not looking!!
my aunt thinks i should hire a private detective......i don't know if i should but i want to know what the fuck is going on...he can't be fuckin my mom and bro over and runing their lives...this is damn bullshit!!!
it looks like once again i'm going to have to be the strong one here,and dig deeper into this problem.
sometimes i feel like i can't take it anymore.....i always have to be so strong....but we all know what ensues if i breakdown......the past 2 years is what will happen.....if i breakdown and ignore this problem i'll just feel guilty and fucked up and end up drinking and partying and cutting and smoking weed again! i didn't like what i became...and i don't want to go back to that screwed up person EVER AGAIN!!
so for the future happiness of my family i absolutely HAVE to find out what the fuck is going on?!! and i can't rest till i do......my family deserves to be happy......i'm the only one with the emotional fortitude to do this and i can't be happy till they are happy......