HAPPY?
Happiness by definition is the feeling of being pleasantly content. If that�s happiness well then I haven�t been happy for a long time.
I�m trying hard but why do I have to try so hard to be happy? The closest I�ve gotten to being happy is when I felt calm and everything in my life was balanced. But that was more than a couple of months ago. The balance has gone out of whack and I feel like I�m floundering once more.
I can�t really remember ever being truly happy. Even as a child I was always searching for something.
I thought I had finally found it a few months ago. The answer to all my lonely nights, all my whispered pleas and all my silent tears was God. God would fill the loneliness in my heart and the church would be my shoulder to lean on.
But as usual, by being happy I made someone else unhappy. My happiness always comes at a price. My mother objected strongly (to say the least!!) to me being Christian. She�s Muslim you see and according to her I�m going to Hell.
Why does she want to take away the only thing that is making me happy? Why? Why do I always have to abandon my source of happiness so others can be content?
Why can�t I for at least one day, be open about what makes me happy?
I always worry about hurting her.
It tears me up inside and confuses the hell out of me!! My mother has so little happiness in her own life that I feel guilty to hurt her any more than she already is and I feel obligated to make her happy. I keep telling myself that I need to break free of this guilt-trip and live my own life, but that is easier said than done.
I don�t allow myself the luxury of crying anymore, but I think I�ll make an exception right now. Besides, the tears are already falling anyway.
For a while now something inside keeps telling me, �this is it; this is how it�s supposed to be. Just you and your thoughts alone, all the rest of your days�
It�s a depressing thought to have, but somehow it has a ring of truth to it. A note of finality.
I keep begging God to show me some sign, any sign to let me know that I�m not meant to be with anyone.
Maybe this IS the sign. My gut-feeling. My gut is telling me to accept being alone. I want to be able to accept it but I can�t. It hurts too much. I wish I could be one of those people who accept their tragedy and burdens in life with calm acceptance and courage but I don�t know if I�m that strong. For now all I can do is shed very human tears over my unfortunate lot in life.