Backslider, terrible backslider
I have a story to tell you.
A story about anger and backsliding. A story of tears and lies.
My hands are shaking right now. I don�t know if it�s from spiritual weakness or from actual hunger.
Friday afternoon I was determined to go out and of course my mom was against it. My first thoughts were to go to church and instead I went to TGIF�s. There I met a friend of mine called Marcus and his friends. I met Dwane and Nicollette too. So I was back and forth between those two tables. 10pm came and went, the time I was supposed to be at home. I got to TGIF�S at 7:15pm, my mom couldn�t expect me to be at home on a Friday night THAT early!
So I called home and told my dad that I wouldn�t be home till an hour later. So Marcus and I and his friends went to Basanio�s on Cipero Street and stayed for like an hour and a half, then we went to the Cross and got corn soup. By this time it was like 1:30am. My mom called and I told her that I was going to spend the night by Nicolette�s house in Gulf View. She was crying on the phone and asking me why I was doing this to her. i was so disgusted when I heard her say this. Why did everything have to be about her? every damn thing I do she thinks I do to torment her!
Anyway Nicolette wasn�t answering her phone so Marcus told me I could stay by him his parents wouldn�t say anything. So we drove to his house in Fyzabad. And shit!! was his house luxurious! We got to his house like at 2:30am and we went straight to his room. His room has a walk-in closet, a big ass flat screen TV and surround sound, Wi-Fi and air condition, a big white couch with embroidered throw pillows and a coffee table. He put on Transformers and we started watching it till I found myself falling asleep. He himself was really tired so he pulled me up from the couch and we went to bed. I was wearing a sweat pants of his and a white strap which I had on under my purple top. We wrapped up in his red blanket and snuggled together while drifting off to sleep. He was stroking my back lazily and I was feeling so relaxed and then����.i don�t know what happened. He started to stroke my hair and my neck and I just snuggled against him closer and then my breasts were in his hands and his mouth was on my nipples and then my top and my bra and my pants were off, everything except my underwear, but that wasn�t a problem, he slipped his fingers inside me.
I knew it was wrong, he knew it was wrong but it felt so good. I forgot everything but the feeling of his fingers in me.
. I couldn�t sleep for long and at 8:50am we woke up. I kept worrying that his mom was gonna walk in on us and have the wrong idea about everything. We brushed our teeth and he went downstairs to tell his parents the situation. Of course it was a made up story that he told them; that I was from North and I was supposed to stay at some friend�s house, and the whole plan fell through and I had to stay here. His mom was cool but I found it hard to look her completely in her eyes when I talked to her. I really hoped she bought the story. I made breakfast for Marcus and I, then i took a shower and on the way to work in which I supposed to be yesterday morning I got a call from Sheena who wanted me to meet her in the mall. So Marcus dropped me in the mall instead. I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for the umpteenth time and then met Sheena by Subway upstairs. We walked around for an hour, then my Dad picked me up and dropped me home. My mom was downstairs when I came in and she shot me this weird look. her eyes looked swollen and instantaneously the guilt seeped into me. I hate feeling guilty. I hate how she always manages to make me feel guilty about everything.
Bu at least she didn�t ask anything. As a matter of fact she�s not talking to me. so I guess that�s better than arguing, but I think I�m gonna make an appointment by a therapist at Gulf-View Medical for us. I�m fedup of pulling stupid shit for her to get the point that I�m not a child anymore. And besides we can�t keep on fighting.
I�ll just say a few more things about the situation at hand right now.
If I had gone to church instead of going out I wouldn�t have been in this situation. And I�m tired of giving in to my flesh, but it controls me. my flesh is my master and I need to break out from beneath its yoke.
At least I didn�t have sex, at least.
I don�t even think that�s a victory considering all the other shit that happened.
i just feel slightly better knowing at least i came clean.somewhere at least. i don't really think i waould want to tell Jherrel this!
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