VERY LOOOOOONG email explaining the goings on of my life for the past couple days when i wasn't on D-land
So some really terrible shit went down yesterday.
I sent an email to my best friend Nisha today explaining what was happening. I think it�ll cover all bases with the situation plus explain and tie in some previous stuff.
EMAIL TO NISHA
um..........you would not believe this...i know patience was the answer...Nish I love you and stuff..................but he asked me to move in with him AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
lemme back up here and tell you all the shit that went down yesterday!
first off.....my mom screamed me out for going to church...she told me all kinda things. she told me i can't leave the house on friday and if Ryan wants to see me he better come in the house to spend time with me. but you know it's kinda become more than just seeing him. this is my pathway to God i've found and i'm not gonna abandon him. i can't! i will not! not even for my mother.
she said that she's ashamed of me and that i'm embarrassing her and that i don't love her and all the sacrifices she made are in vain. and i have to choose, and if i stay on this pathway she is dead to me and she doesn't even want me praying for her when she dies. don't do anything for her when she dies. all kinda things girl...i can't even remember everything. but i was crying of course and if it's one thing i didn't do was raise my voice at her. she told me to try to explain to her but when i try to explain she's getting so mad with me.
but i talked to Ryan and was crying and he told me that God said "honour thy mother and thy father " but who would you rather displease...your parents or God and i know they say parents are like god in Hinduism but what if u were missing something for your entire life and u finally found it, would you give it up?
would u give it up to please your parents and be unhappy and incomplete for the rest of your life? i don't want to make her unhappy, but this is sooo much more than just following a different religion. i haven't converted or anything like that. in my heart of hearts i believe in one god. i still do. it's not like i'm worshipping Jesus. he's just the way to salvation for me. by his example and his warnings i am leading a better life.
my mom was like ppl are doing drugs and all kinda things but they wouldn't dare turn away from Islam!!
i was like mom all my cousins (Shelly, Diane, Giselle, Michelle) all of them are doing all sorts of wrong things and still wanna go to mosque and pray and do as if everything is hunkydory, but i'm not drinking, partying, dating, not even arguing with you, all i'm doing is going to church and this is how u are behaving with me?
she was like......."don't you even try to judge your cousins, you're not in a position to judge them, don't even dare, with what you doing!!". i was like "i'm not judging them, but you're being illogical!"
oh yea and she told me she's disgusted by me. what do you think of that? my own mother disgusted by me because i'm being a good person and i've found the way to be that better person i've always wanted to be.
that really hurts, esp.when she told me not to even pray for her.
Ryan and I were talking and i told him that i can't really take being banned from going to church. but since it's my mother i'll listen to her but i'm not gonna stop reading Scripture and praying to God fo her to understand. i have a feeling that she'll come around when hell freezes over!!
We were talking about what i would do if things got really bad. and honestly Nish, i think i'll leave. i can't be hated for my decision to follow a godly pathway and truth be told, me being in front of my mom's eye, in her house, will only remind her everyday what i'm doing (not following her orders to stay in Islam)
oh yea, another thing she told me that i hurt her everyday. u think i want to hurt my mom? i don't!! but what if you feel God is calling you?
maybe you might think i'm crazy, or i dunno if you understand but i would do anything to keep this feeling of calmness inside me.
i've never felt this way before. it's no insane fanaticism but a true desire to follow the one God who pulled me out of my perpetual darkness and self-induced guilt. who forgave me my sins and gave me a new life. i dunno how i must sound to you but i feel so happy doing this. this is what i want and what i've been searching for, for my entire life.
my mom said that i am weak, that my heart is weak and that i fall for anything that passes. that's not true!!! i mightn't have been the strongest of persons but i wasn't a pushover!!!
Nish if i have to leave i'll leave. i don't want to hurt my family, but i'm not giving up worshipping God just because they're angry, sad or disappointed in me.
Ryan said that if anything happened i could come and stay by him. i was welcome. then he said, " as a matter of fact, here's a good idea. why don't we start to look for an apartment together!!"
i was stunned but i didn't really say anything. i started to joke about it and ask him if he thought i would cook and clean. he laughed and said, well yea, cook and clean, wash and when i come home make sure and have something for me to drink.i started to laugh and ask him so what is he gonna do for me. he said he was gonna bring home the cash and hug me when we sleep.i said well i will have my own bedroom, how u gonna hug me? he was like, how could i NOT cuddle you when we sleep. AWWWWWWWWW!!!! i was playing like whatever, but i was feeling all warm and mushy inside. and you know i don't think i'm in love with him. i love to cook for him and take care of him and worry over him but i don't know if i feel that way about him. i really care about him though. but he always says stuff to try to find out if i love him i guess. stuff like, " u put love into that cheesecake but someone else got it, i want the love and the cheesecake" OR " i know you're only telling me these things out of love and concern". i dunno if he's trying to pick my mouth, but so far he ain't doing a very good job!!! lol
i don't think i'm ready to fall in love yet.my heart is being filled by the love of God and i have devotion to him. Ryan always says that only when you have a good relationship with God then you'll be ready for a relationship with someone, and God made Eve for Adam, and he's confident that God will send someone when he's ready. (he already told me that he was waiting and he was glad he did, because he knew that God would come through for him, he met me) that was a couple weeks ago the ass said that though, but last night he was all like he expected his woman to come to his defence and not let anybody eat his cheesecake (i made cheesecake or him on friday but he didn't come so how the fuck is that my fault?!!)
ANYWAY................... i think i would like to live with him, but my family would have a heart attack!! however, if push comes to shove and i can't worship how i please and it becomes too big a problem or is making my mom super unhappy, i will move out. dunno if i will live with him but i will definitely have to move out if circumstances get too dire. plus if i'm living with him i would want marriage later on, so i'm just having patience for now and praying.
WELL THAT WAS MY VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG EMAIL TO YOU!!
PS: i know i didn't comment on you and Asad too much, but u know i am soo happy for you. i love that you found a guy that treats you like the queen you are (or the queen you THINK you are!! lol. just joking) let's see where life leads us.
Girl life is changing so fast. i just don't know where it will take us, but i have faith that everything will be alright and at the end of it we will still be laughing together!! lol
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I know it�s a very long email but it embodies basically everything that is happening and every feeling and thought that is going through my mind.