Loneliness
The sky tonight was covered with clouds. Not a star was twinkling. No lights of heaven were shining down on me. I felt���despair.
I felt lonely. I felt unsure of the pathway I was taking.
I know it�s the right one I am taking but why do I feel so utterly abandoned sometimes? Not that God has abandoned me. But I feel like He is a new unfamiliar comforting presence in my life. The key word in that sentence right now is �unfamiliar�. Sometimes I feel like I want to reconnect with all the friends I�ve let go. That I had to let go to become this different albeit better person. I know that God is holding my heart and soul, my very life in the palm of his hand. That whenever I feel a little lonely, I cry to him and his grip tightens on me. I beg him to fill any holes left in my heart. But how come even though I want him to fill all the holes in my life, I�m still yearning for something else. For someone else. This loneliness is not spiritual loneliness anymore but physical and emotional loneliness. Why should I need the comfort of another human to make me feel whole I ask myself? Why? When I know in my heart of hearts that the Lord is the one who will never abandon me. He will never leave me alone in the dark without his lamp to light my steps.
If I know all this and I feel conviction and belief and I have faith, why do I still feel like this�a little heartsick.
The only answer I have to all those questions is simply, that I am human. And even in the beginning; humans have needed other humans.
Genesis-2:18:
��.And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him�.�
Even God knows that humans can�t be alone. I know that I have to wait for the time that the Lord thinks is right to align me with someone. Adam and Eve right. Ryan said that he was waiting. (sigh) and now I am waiting. I wondered and somehow thought a little that that person that maybe the Lord wanted me to become closer to was Ryan. But lately things have been really�..hmmmm�weird between us; Ryan and me that is. He wasn�t the support system that I thought he would be. And even though I am stronger for his abrupt abandonment of ministering to me, I still can�t help but feel a little betrayed by his actions.
Could I be trying to tell myself that Ryan could be the partner I need? Could I be trying to make him, subconsciously into the partner I feel that I so desperately need sometimes? And maybe the Lord is trying to tell me that my partner has not yet come into my life.