ENLIGHTENMENT �Part I
I�m reading what I wrote in my last entry��..and I can�t believe that that is what my life consists of. Meaningless sex. I�m always searching and always wanting something more. Something deeper, to fill the emptiness inside me. Why do I always feel empty? Why do I always feel like I�m missing something? Why do I always feel depressed and miserable when I think of my life and the person I�ve become? I can honestly answer those questions now.
I�m missing love. Love for myself. Love for God and his miracles. His everyday little miracles that save the souls of sinners, of those who are lost and empty.
I�m missing trust. Trust in a higher power, trust in a benevolent God who actually cares about what happens to his creations, to his children.
I always believed that God was screwing me over, that he was just giving me all the bad things in life.
But someone told me something last night that I�ll never forget.
He said that I wasn�t ready to receive the blessings and good things that God had to offer me. I didn�t have that kind of trust in him to allow all these good things to come into my life. But now I am ready.
I�m ready to turn to God. Really live my life in His grace. I need to have the comfort of knowing that there is somewhere to turn when I am lost and confused and depressed.
I met this amazing guy last night. I met him before, but last night was truly a preordained meeting. It had to be. Meeting him couldn�t be just another random thing. He reached out to me and a way that no-one ever has. He didn�t make me feel like I was a freak, that I was strange and separated from society. He gave me something that I was searching for, for a very long time, only I didn�t know what it was. It�s like a shining hand reached out to me in my darkness and pulled me into the light.
His name is Ryan and he is so in-sync with my soul that it makes me amazed to think that there�s someone out there who understands the intricate mysteries that God places deep within each of us.
He always talks about prayer and the Living God. He makes me feel so calm and makes me understand that God does love me.