Sunday, April. 12, 2009 -
Angels are taking me up
Explanations don�t matter anymore. When God settles your heart no explanation in the world can upset you. Some call it indifference, but it�s really an overwhelming calm, an acceptance of the will of God. He gave me the strength to accept my life for what it was, what it is now and what it will be.
I filled my past with unspeakable actions, horrible things that I thought I needed to complete me. To fill the gaping hole inside me.
But day after day a new pathway reveals itself to me; or rather God reveals it to me. I�m amazing myself right now by relying so much on the Lord. You know what it is for a self-proclaimed agnostic and one time disbeliever in anything remotely spiritual, to lean so fully on the Lord. Do you know what it is to feel like you finally have someone infinitely strong to lean on? Infinitely understanding with never-ending patience and wisdom so profound that you cannot even begin to fathom it. Do you know how it feels like not to worry that your wishes or dreams mightn�t be answered? Just knowing that there is a Being out there, who lives in all places, who transcends even time itself, and who knows just when is the right moment to allow your wishes to come true, to allow your dreams to unfold. Do you know the joy of letting go of those burdens that weigh so heavily on your very human back?
I didn�t know about any of those things till recently. For all my life, I was enclosed by the rituals of religion, surrounded by enthusiastic believers in God, heard thousands of heartfelt prayers from religious leaders. But somehow none of that ever translated into salvation, hope, mercy and forgiveness for my soul. My soul was empty, devoid of that devout belief in the Lord and Creator of all the worlds and of all humankind and every other living being. So naturally, I filled that hollow shell of a soul with every thing the world could provide, till eventually and inevitably I hit rock bottom.
I ended up with a disillusioned and weary mind and a soul that for all intents and purposes resembled a black hole.
But God saved me. He did. The tears sit on the tips of my eyelashes as I recall the despair, loneliness and confusion that I was immersed in. but no more.
I cannot say that I am whole again, but I am getting there, slowly but surely I am getting there. The pathway is hard and sometimes unbearable but I pray for strength and now I�m sure the Lord listens to me.
The girl who thought that all her prayers fell to the bottom of a well and stayed there, knows now that angels take all her heartfelt words to a caring God.