Am i crazy for yearning for death? tell me please...
I just want to cut my wrists and let my life bleed out through my mutilated veins. I am so confused and tortured. Am I bad? Am I good? Am I grounded in reality? Am I insane?
I can�t do this anymore. Everytime I make a decision for myself. Everytime I try to do something for myself, to save my sanity�����I feel like some one tries to break me down again. to tell me that I�m wrong in trying to save myself. That I�m selfish and wrong and crazy.
I love my mother��.but God help me I wish she would stop doing all the shit that she�s always doing. It�s all a misguided attempt to help me along, guide me and protect me. All I ask her to do is to be there for me and support me in this transition I�m making. I know this is a big decision and a big risk I�m taking in taking a leave of absence from school, but I really think this is the right decision for me. I need to step away from an environment that only allows me to circumvent my problems and not tackle them head-on. I feel like I substitute the partying for all my problems. I drank for a month straight just to numb the pain. Well that NEVER works, cause they�re still there and I still had to make a choice. Was I staying or going?
And I believe I made the right choice.
At first she said she understood and she supported me, but she can never fully understand the choices that I make. She proves that time and time again by throwing it in my face and saying that I�m making a mistake and that I�ll ruin my life and then I�ll see what�ll happen.
What can I do? I�m torn? It�s my mother for godsakes!
But I�m going mad��truly I am.
Right now I want alcohol, I want sex, I want a blade��.i want anything that�ll stop this pain inside of me.
When will this ever stop?