Rage
I guess Ryan was wrong; I�m not a nice girl. I don�t have a sweet soul. If that was the case, he would still be talking to me right. I�ve been trying to call him all afternoon and he wasn�t answering his phone. He didn�t even call me tonight. He said that his day isn�t complete till he talks to me, I guess that isn�t so anymore. It�s just as well. Saves me all the trouble of being even more hurt later on. It�s better if I�m alone. Support is an illusion that someone like me can�t afford to have. Everyone who�s supposed to be close to me in my life always ends up disappointing me horribly in the end. This might be no exception.
But God is there right? Are you always there God?
Well if you are, please take away this pain that I�m feeling right now. This rejection and loneliness. Help me stop faltering. Teach me that my lonely pathway is something that I need to get used to.
I know it, I�m not meant to be happy in that way. What way you ask? In the way that most girls are when they introduce a boy to their family for the first time. my happiness should never come from that, because I am not meant to have that.
God help me accept my true destiny. I am the person who has to walk a lonely road, forever and always. Help me accept that. Help me accept that God. Maybe if I accept it, come to terms with it, I won�t be so sad about it all the time. maybe some people aren�t meant to be with anyone. Maybe God�s trying to tell me to stay away from that.
God you�re teaching me a hard lesson. And it�s hurting a lot, you can be sure of that. But maybe this time the lesson will have been learnt and forgotten never again.
Please, I beg you God help me accept the way that things are supposed to be. If I can�t accept them, I will always be sad. Fill up the holes in my soul Lord, so that I won�t feel the loneliness of this void.
My tears are falling even as I�m writing this and I�m praying that this prayer really is answered.
Loneliness, what is loneliness? Even loneliness is an illusion. Because we�re never alone. God is there���.always.
But Lord, why do I still feel sad?
PS: I called Ryan and Rick answered the phone and started to talk to me about all kinds of things. I was getting so agitated that I knew I had to end the conversation. Rick brings out a beast in me that is fuelled by the emotion of anger. I cannot let myself get so consumed with rage that my thoughts and speech become incoherent. I cannot. I will not let that happen. Lord help me.