Saturday, March. 21, 2009 -
Longings.....indescribable, stupid longings
Will I never be rid of these longings? These longings for things that are clearly bad for me.
I slept with Rick AGAIN.
After convincing myself that I hated him, after trying to ignore him, after being bitchy to him, to the point of extreme hostility����the outcome was sex.
And why not? The only person that arouses me even while I am in the throes of raging anger is him.
On Thursday night; Rick�s friend Daniel came to take myself, Diane and Vidya to Sabor Latino; this club in Maraval. Rick was with him. We argued constantly, flinging obscenities at each other. I was wondering how the hell I was going to enjoy myself.
We met his friend (he says it�s his cousin) Ryan there.
I honestly don�t know what came over me that night, he kicked me to, I guess call me and I was overcome with this blinding anger and I kicked him back, but not playfully,, viciously!
The look on his face! God, he looked stunned when I did that. I think I hissed at him that I hated him. And I did! Really, truly I did. I hated him with every fiber of my being. and I didn�t care who knew.
These white boys from Venezuela took us out on the dancefloor. The whole group followed; Vidya, Ryan, Daniel and of course, Rick.
The white boys had no damn rhythm!! Disappointing. But I danced with Ryan, all the while seething with jealousy whenever I saw a girl come up to Rick. He danced with Vidya so many times that I was ready to drag her into the ladies bathroom and fuck her up good and proper!!! I told her that I didn�t want her talking or dancing with him. but I said it for her own welfare. Or so I convinced myself at the time. I really told her that, because I just didn�t want her touching him!!. no matter how angry I was or how much hate brimmed over in me that night, the feeling of jealousy overshadowed all other emotions in me. I think I almost killed her! I danced so lewdly with Ryan in front of Rick. All because I was angry and jealous that he was dancing with Vidya. I could�ve screamed.
Towards the end, when we were leaving, he asked me if he could spend the night at my apartment. I was so suspicious, thinking that he probably needed place to crash so that he could fuck some girl the next day. So I blew him off.
When we were outside my apartment, he asked again and I relented. I was in disbelief. At myself!!!
I mean WT-holy-F!! why would I let a liar and a scumbag stay with me?
When were outside my front door; he said some nasty things and the rage in me reached a fever pitch and I just slapped him. Hard. My fingers were stinging afterwards.
Then we ended up kissing. I love him. If I didn�t, I wouldn�t have melted the way I did, when his soft, perfectly sculpted lips pressed against mine.
I took a shower and came back to find him sleeping.
I straddled him and woke him up with kisses. We ended up doing it. And god how I missed that. He�s the only person I want to do that with. No other person makes me feel the way he does.
My emotions are so extreme when he�s around me. Hate, love, jealousy, tenderness, care , are all magnified when he is with me.
He fell asleep but I couldn�t. This might sound a bit creepy, but all I wanted to do was watch him sleep. Watch his beautiful lips pressed together in gentle repose. Watch his long eyelashes lie against his cheeks. Watch the way his eyebrows curved gracefully. Watch his chest rise and fall with each intake of breath. I am smitten aren�t I?
I love him I know I do, even if he doesn�t believe me.
I might hate him so intensely sometimes, but the love wins out each time.
I wish things could work out for once, but this dream like all others will fade into nothingness. Very soon I�ll wake up to the harshness of reality.