Wednesday, April 22, 2009 -
The Rant and Pity Fest of the world's most Sublime Whoremonger

It�s official, I am a whore. I fucked Mark Chew Lin Choo today. I went against everything that was screaming at me to stay away. I went against all the principles that I was trying to follow. And I fucking fucked him.
We went to his house and got it on, then I came home and I called Ryan.
I think maybe he senses I am a bloody slut. Cuz I asked him if he missed me and he said he missed all his friends� everyday.
That makes me really depressed. I have fallen back in the same rut that I was in before.
My desires are so strong. My flesh is so weak. But it�s my fault. I deliberately put myself in a position to do what I did. And now the deed is done and I feel like shit.
Last night I was crying and asking the Lord, why can�t I be with someone. Why is everyone with someone and I have no-one. Am I meant to be alone. Am i?
Well if I am, why don�t you just tell me that I�ll never find anyone God and I�ll stop getting my hopes up.
I know Ryan and I are friends, but I would�ve never introduced him to my family if I knew it would turn out like this.
I feel like everything in the universe is telling me to go back to how I was, cause at least I�ll be satisfied, even if it�s in a superficial, fleshly way.
I feel like I�m falling and there�s no-one to stop me. How can I rely on God�s hands only? I need loving human hands also.
Oh yea I went to the mall to get some ice cream to pacify my mom and I happened to see Dwane with presumably what was his new girl. Some skinny little indian girl. The funny thing is, I guess he didn�t think I saw him, but when he saw me, he turned and went in the other direction.
I am pathetic. We were great together and I blew it.
I always blow it. Always!!!

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