eternal loser that i am
Listening to: TORNIQUET ~ Evanescence
THE RED ~ Chevelle
RAPE ME ~ Nirvana
GOING UNDER ~ Evanescence
HATE ME ~ Blue October
CUP OF COFFEE ~ Garbage
Must I forever be doomed to a life of giving love and never receiving it?
What do I do wrong?
I�m beautiful, charming, funny as hell, intelligent, creative, warm, caring, a great cook, a great singer. WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE?!!!
Rick called me today. I hadn�t called or heard from him in days! And frankly, I was beginning to be sort of glad. Sort of. Inside I was wishing he would call. But it was the same old thing all over again. Actually it was a lot worse this time. I know for a fact now that he doesn�t want me. The other morning meant nothing!
The story of my life.
[Damnit! I was looking for another song and I saw a play list full of Justin Timberlake. I suddenly feel a pang. A swooping sinking sensation in my stomach and a pang in my heart. Rick likes JT. (sigh) I AM PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
He called to ask me to do a favour for him. Apparently Benisa asked him if he and I were ever together and he said no. and he wants me tell her the same thing, along with declarations of � and we never did anything physical or visited each other�.
Essentially he�s asking me to lie about the relationship that he and I had.
That really hurt and I almost choked up and shed some tears. But I reminded myself, quite harshly too might I add, that I wasn�t going to cry over any man. But, SHIT
What he said���that hurt. He asked me to promise him that I wouldn�t say anything incriminating to her and that I would tell her stuff like he loved her and wanted to be with her. By the time the conversation ended, I was dead inside. I felt nothing. I feel sick, disgusted at myself.
Look at the music I�m listening to�����.particularly the one from Blue October. 2 years ago that song made me sob uncontrollably. �HATE ME� that song applies more to Shawn than to Rick. Shawn loved me, as a gf and when that ended even more as a friend.
But like the screw up I am, I fucked that friendship too, like I do everything.
I feel like a failure. At all things.
As a daughter, as a lover, as a friend and mostly as a woman
It�s so hard for me to love myself.
I thought that I had high self-esteem but I guess��.no I know�.that all that was just a lie. I have been lying to myself for the longest while.
I don�t know what�s wrong with me. I need to get better.
I need to fix myself.
THE COMPLETE, TOTAL, UNEQUIVOCAL AND UTTER END OF RICK AND I
�So no of course we can�t be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends���������..
- Cup of Coffee ~ Garbage