Slipping.....
I slipped today. I know it�s a bad thing to do and I kept on telling myself that. That�s the only reason I stayed away from the blade for so long. Will-power. Hmmmm, guess after what happened just now, doesn�t say much for my will-power does it?
I need the pain, when I don�t feel it I am reduced to a quivering nauseous mass of nerves.
Lately it�s been getting really bad. All I can think about is running a sharpened sterile surgical blade across the tender skin of my arm. To feel that slightly itchy burning on my skin when that narrow blade bites in. I don�t care anymore, I really don�t care if everyone says that it is bad. I can�t constantly be in pain and do nothing about it.
I saw my uncle�s death certificate for the second time since he died. I was terrified when I felt the nausea rise up in me. I felt dizzy and weak and immediately wanted a blade in my hand. Instead I opted for a cigarette. It didn�t stop me from trembling, wanting. The blades were within reach. Today they were in my hand.
The back of my nose is burning right now, I want to cry but I can�t and I won�t.
I feel like my head is going to burst. It�s throbbing and heavy with EVERYTHING!!
i want to throw up again. I�m feeling like I want to start on the skin on my legs too.
They�ve never been marred by a blade.
Everything is so confusing right now. All I want is to drown out these incessant feelings of anxiousness and uncertainty. I drank everyday last week, and I started to do it this week too. I feel like I need it. I want something, anything to numb the pain, the confusion.
I wish I could die. I don�t know how brave I am to do it. my uncle was. Where the hell did he get the strength to do that?.
What waits for me if I do end it?
Perpetual darkness? Nothingness.
Somehow that frightens me. The neverending darkness.
But I feel lost in the darkness of my reality already. What will one more darkness, this one more permanent, matter?