The HIGH & LOW of it all
MUSIC:~DREAM ON~Ronnie James Dio
(song is playing in my head all the the time now)
Today was bleh, i only worked like a dog, 2 people that came to collect meds fainted and the orderlies had to cart them away to Accident and Emergency. Then I went to a boring ass staff meeting.
Yesterday was the.....i have no words to really describe yesterday. it was the day of mish-mash emotions.
i went to work as usual,was disgustingly hectic. i got bank time, which is an evening you get to leave work at 1pm and do your bank stuff.....i actually did. went to sign a bunch of insurance stuff.
then went to another hospital an hour away to visit a friend of mine.
Now i don't think i've ever mentioned this friend. We call him GV, short for Sanjeevan. We went to high school together and started university together. but then he dropped off the face of the earth and ever so often i would see him.we had a kinda thing in high school, just crushes, nothing big ever happened.
one kiss when we were both 19,his birthday is the day before mine. we lived in the same apartment complex year one university. But his dad died and i don't know why but he started losing his grip on reality. it wasn't about his dad dying alone that made him slide down down into depression. i think it was the fact that he was gay and he couldn't face other people with it and was afraid to tell his mom.
but he got over the gay denial and he's fine with it, heck! his mom's cool with it. but he's been on Psychiatric medication for 6 years now and a couple months ago i was on my way to see him and his mom and hang out at their house for a while and when i got their his left wrist was bandaged up and we had to go directly to the hospital for him to be stitched up. he slit his wrist.tried to kill himself.
he was locked up in the psych ward for a month and i visited him almost every day since i work in the hospital.
he was doing well......had his own apartment, pulling his life together, talking about going back to school when BAM!! next thing i know he calls me telling me he's in the hospital and that he tried to kill himself again and slashed himself up pretty badly.
when i got there, i wanted to recoil from shock.....he looked terrible!.overweight, sluggish and worst of all covered in stitched together slashes.
he had a dirty looking beard and three gashes on his neck.
he slashed his neck, right close to his windpipe, his arms, belly, thighs, legs.....
and he was talking utter nonsense. i'm used to his weird talk but this was.......too much.....even for him!
he was talking about Jews talk to him and he was writing about the true story of Jesus and that the Jews are mad at him cause he forgave Hitler. and that their are aliens that rip through the space time continuum and want to have monogamous relationships with humans but end up making them kill themselves and that they tried to do it to him. they scared him into trying to kill himself.
guess he almost succeeded.
Ray picked me up, we had dinner, we snuggled a little and then he dropped me home.
GV was on my mind for most of the night and today i tried not to think about him. it hurts that i can't help except to be supportive, but i really can't do anything. His psychiatrist is tentatively diagnosing him as bi-polar. he's on Tegretol, haldoperidol and paxil i think. so he's like high half of the times and hyper and really sluggish and strung out and sleepy the other half of the time.
and i'll tell you one more thing........i don't know if i want to see him again.....i can't do this anymore with him. it's too hard,but the guilt is a living thing with me. it eats me alive, day and night. i abandoned him once, and i've stuck by him since but i know this will drain me. he's takes up a lot of energy and i need to be focused on building my life right now......i'm terrible
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