it all comes back to love
sex is supposed to make u feel better, esp. when u didn't get laid in a while........so why am i feeling so shitty.
i'm feeling so depressed and i just want to burst out in tears. i feel like i just want to lock myself in my apartment, eat Haagen Daaz and look at my favourite shows FOREVER!!
this thing with Phaedra is hurting me more than i thought. and early this morning i found out something else.....my roomate doesn't like me at all.
maybe that's something trivial...but when everybody is hating on you.....sometimes you feel overwhelmed!
i found this on FB....
J.M is so angry right now......my roommate have to be the most dootish person alive..... BITCH!!! IF I LEAVE U A NOTE SAYING MOPPED AND SWEPT ON FRIDAY....DONT MOP AND SWEEP AGAIN SUNDAY MORNING.....I so wanted to curse...... but i didnt......I didnt.....
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i have fuckin sinus allergies and an eye allergy rite now and she expected me NOT to clean again?!!!...i told her i was a cleanaholic and wt the fuck is SHE getting mad for.and to post it up on FB of all things?!! well none of her friends know who i am so..whatever but honestly that kinda hurt this morning.
plus the thing with Phaedra and PLUS
SIGHHHHHHHHHHH
I had sex with Liam a couple of hours ago....i know i shouldnt have let him come over.......i'm not strong enough to resist that kinda temptation.....which is why i say no to anyone who i'm remotely sexually attracted to, to hanging out.
but tonight.........he fucked me till i was sore and swollen and i fuckin bled!!
whenever i don't have sex for a long time....it's like i become a virgin again or something.it hurts for a little while and i bleed.
that is really fucking weird : /
but he was really big and he was good!
but goddamnit i just feel hollow...it did not a fuckin thing for me....
it's just one more thing to add to my feel-bad list.
i failed in being a good friend, i failed in being a good christian, i fail in being a person :(
why the fuck does noone like me?
i know i sound like a stupid kindergardener but.....it hurts really badly sometimes.
i'm very teary right now.
everytime shit like this happens i feel like i'm reverting back to that akward 8 yr old girl who was always smart but not typically pretty.
i used to feel like a giant around all the other little petite graceful artsey girls. they were thin, and had a pencil case full of coloured pens and all of them were into Lisa Frank while i was into archaeology and dinosaurs....could i be any more different?!!
and u know....my family always made me feel really bad.....my mom was always telling me i had to lose weight and she's only telling me cause she loves me and she wanted to save me embarassment in the future.
my aunt would back her up and say the same thing.that they're only saying this cuz they cared.
well how come if they cared so much, they made me feel even worse about myself?
and my dad used to tell me that just now i wouldn't fit through the door.
my mom used to say that my arms looked like a heavy weight champ.
all those things made me really hurt.
i used to try to really starve myself.the longest period i tried it for was like 3 days straight but i couldn't do it anymore and i ended up pigging out.......
my weight goes up and down but i don't think i am fat and unattractive anymore.sometimes yea i feel a little down abt it sometims but i try really hard not to eat crap...but it's hard esp. when you're feeling stressed out and tired and depressed and sad.
seems like no matter what i do....someone always ends up hating me.
is this a curse or a blessing in disguise.
maybe God is trying to tell me that knowing is the best thing.....so i could learn how to a good Christian adnd deal with thigns the way he wants me too.....but why Lord does it have to hurt so much : (
i'm fed up of the pain...but i'm also equally fed up of trying to be optomistic and i'm tired of giving myself pep talks all the time and beig strong.
i wish i could have somebody to lean on....who can support me emotionally and who can tell me....it's ok to break down...it's ok...i've got you.
I know the Big Guy is always there and he is the biggest comfort ever.....but sometimes you want the most tangible comfort.
like a human touch.